Loft Party Thrown by Future Leaders of America in a Repurposed Old Factory in the City’s Newly Revitalized but Mostly Still Empty Warehouse District

Seriously. I need a vacation so bad. Vacation is so amazing. I just got back from vacation. We all bought in on the same timeshare. It is so cute. Do you see her? She’s a total fucking starfucker. She was only with him because he’s the son of that famous writer. I know, but I heard he’s adopted. So, it’s not like it even matters. Does he even write? He writes poetry. I’ve read it, and it blows. I’ve read chunks of it, and it blew me away. Oh my God, if she walks over here I think I’m gonna vomit. I’m in a band. Awesome, yeah, I have to quit my band. My band’s looking for a bass player. I know someone who would be perfect. She’s got perfect pitch. I’ll set you up on Facebook. I live on Faceboook. Actually, we need someone now like in the present tense. She’s got present perfect tense and great stage presence. Is there any food here? I could totally go for some froyo. Me too. No, really, he’s a genius. That guy over there invented blowjobs. No, I’m pretty sure he was the first one. Does anyone have weed? We have this thing where if we want to call our coke dealer in public we just say: Let’s call the Canadians. That’s funny, we use Canadians to talk about Jews. We use it to talk about blacks. Ha ha. Stop taking pictures of everyone. Let me see that. How do I look? I’m thinking about cutting some bangs. You would look cute with bangs. I would get them cut to here. Like this. BANG BANG BANG. Did you just hear something? This neighborhood is safe, right? Did you find something to eat? I think she’s bulimic. She’s got super shiny teeth. You could totally have a reality show. You mean like the one I already have? Here, sign this release. I think I just took a shit in my mouth. That’s what she said. I’ve got a lot of thoughts on organized religion. I was doing this green juice diet, which was great, so now I’m trying to go vegan. I’m more of a locavore. They have the best farmer’s market there. Oh, delete that, I look awful. There’re too many white people here. It’s giving me the creeps. Are you leaving? I so want to go. Let’s do it. I’m gonna come with you. Hold on, I’m totally coming, just wait one second. That guy over there is just spouting off. Good. Swell. I’d swell her well. I’d like to trouble her water. You’re in trouble. I’m up to my armpits. I’m just coming up from underwater. I’m short of breath. I’m shorting breath and longing bottled water. That’s so lame. You’re so crippled. I think people who enlist in the military deserve to die. I’m not at all religious, but I consider myself to be very spiritual. I have no idea what you mean. Oh my God, you’re so mean. You’re so average. I’m so broke it’s not even funny. I hate money. I’m in so much debt. I hate negativity. I hate my boss. I need to quit my job. Seriously. I’m so bored. I need to eat something before I starve to death. Have you been to the new cupcake place? It’s so cute. They have this African coffee there that I’m obsessed with. It’s single origin fair trade with power everything. You have to try it. It’s to die for. It’ll change your life. Hold on one second, I need to get this. Your phone is so cute. He made that one movie. He’s going to be huge. I watched an advanced screener off the internet on my phone. He wrote the screenplay on his phone. I love listening to books on tape on my phone. I’m gonna snort this, but you guys can just smoke it if that’s what you’re more comfortable with. How can someone invent blowjobs? No, seriously, he’s like really old. You guys I’m so old right now. I haven’t seen them in forever. They’ve been really busy. They early-adopted gay African babies. I think I just took a shit in my mouth. Too soon! Cute! Did you see the documentary about animal farming practices? It was so gross. It’s gross con pollo. Do you know what I hate more than anything in the world? Poverty. Ha ha, you’re so funny. Injustice. No, shut up. I hate this fucking party. I’m trying to be more positive. I stopped voting. I don’t even know who’s running. I don’t even know where my polling station is. Me too! I swear I’m moving to Canada. I think he’s the guy that got in trouble for sexting. I’m so good at sexting. You look so hot. I know, my doctor gave me your nose. Ha ha, I must’ve recognized it. It’s so hot in here. I’m a hot mess. Yeah, you are. I feel like we’re all just getting ready for the next ice age. Yeah, I’ve got so many cute sweaters, but what I really need are some new boots. Can you put that up and tag me in it? I need to move so bad. It’s a great neighborhood. It reminds me a lot of Brooklyn, but also kind of like the Mission mixed a little with Hoxton and the Left Bank, but without all the gross people we don’t like. I could totally live there. Oh, I know. There’re so many new cute restaurants I love it. I hate my family so much. I’m applying for grad school in post-interactive intratextual hyper-modal social media. That sounds amazing. It’s my passion. Aren’t you so excited? I’m scared. I think I just took a shit in my mouth. If I could hit the like button on that I so would.

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Guest Editor: David James Poissant is the author of The Heaven of Animals: Stories (Simon & Schuster, 2014). His stories and essays have appeared in The AtlanticGlimmer TrainThe New York TimesOne StoryPlayboyPloughshares, and in the New Stories from the South and Best New American Voices anthologies. He teaches in the MFA program at the University of Central Florida and lives in Orlando with his wife and daughters. Visit him online at davidjamespoissant.com.

Photo credit: cdsessums / Foter / CC BY-SA