Parables of America: The Republic as Institute of Higher Learning

For the Republic of Heaven is, like, if there was this university with a really popular sports team called the Assholes.

And for a prank, the Assholes once stole another team’s mascot and tied him up in a basement and took pictures of their mascot peeing on him and he actually died of malnutrition.

But nay, the Assholes were not satisfied with this prank. So they began stealing other mascots and replacing them with mascots they liked better.

And then they stole all the footballs in their conference so that they had all the footballs.

And then they began raiding tailgating parties, even at other stadiums for teams who weren’t even playing them. And they did feast upon much stolen kielbasa and drink much Natty Light.

And eventually the Assholes were just going into people’s houses and taking their food out of their fridge. Like, sometimes even fans of the team.

And whenever someone would go, “Hey, that’s my food,” the Assholes would say that this person was “provoking a response.”

Though, totally admittedly, some people who were mad at the Assholes would just go to their college and start beating up random kids in the dorms and it was, like, “Dudes, they aren’t here.” And it got even weirder when the attackers would cite things like taking pictures of their mascots being urinated on but not, like, the guy in the costume who died or the whole food-stealing thing.

In any case, finally, some captain of the Assholes comes out on the field before a game and says, “In the past, we’ve kidnapped and peed on and killed other teams’ mascots and stolen a bunch of food. We’re not going to do that anymore.”

And all the assholes in the booster club go, “Fire that captain. We do not apologize for our values.”