—On 18th somewhere I don’t know. Front of 693 sorta near Atlantic but going the other direction. The route’s toward Commercial.
—693’s the one you worked at? Well what time was it? I heard things. We’ll just say it like that, quote-unquote things about that store.
—What things?
—So this was early in the morning you said? You said you and Ronnie and Bugballs did the overnight ahead of inventory?
—You just heard me say it. I just said that right here, right in front of you. Hey. What are you writing And like what things about 693.
—I’m writing your story down. You said it was a weird thing.
—What things about 693? Jesus why is this like pulling teeth with you?
—693. Only that everybody’s fucking everybody. Only that somebody’s fiancée fucked that same somebody’s employee in the bathroom in the back by Produce. Only that you all can’t get your shit together. That every, well the past few inventories you all’ve been nearly a hundred grand off. It’s a dead-end store, I guess.
—Yeah.
—Yeah? What do you mean yeah?
—Fuck, what do you think what do I mean ‘yeah’? I mean you’re right. I mean it’s shit. Yeah. Can I get back to the story or…?
—You’re the one who.
—The bus. Early morning to set the scene. Think about the sun in the morning like that. Like it’s just like barely you know? Like it’s soft. Anyway there were two people on it when I got on, a dude dressed like the Grim Reaper with a six-pack in his lap and—
—What’s the six-pack of? You remember?
—I don’t know it’s that important? Say Magic Hat. Say Number Nine. You need a pen? No, you know actually say Pabst Blue Ribbon.
—This one’s…yeah. This one’s done I think. Thanks. PBR you said? The philosopher’s beer. Wittgenstein of beers.
—Other person on the bus is a girl, a teenager, probably sixteen. The fuck Wittgenstein of beer?…The girl looked ’bout it. Small jean skirt where her legs were basically popping out of it, and a white top that stopped a few inches short of her belly button, and that you could see she was wearing a pink push-up bra through it. Her tits all pushed together. Little stud in her belly button too.
—…
—What are you writing.
—Keep going, I’m listening.
—I wanna see what you got so far. How you put it.
—Just some notes. You’ll see when it’s done.
—Just let me see let me look…‘soft and innocent in the early morning light…across the interior of the bus in a rusty sort of bronze?…revealed handprints on the windowpanes, urgent and sad…’
—Don’t have to read out loud.
—‘city flaked away from us, peeling itself back…beach…’
—You said this come on enough fuck give it, thank you. Jesus. But, so, what was I, oh yeah, you said this was Halloween?
—You got pretty penmanship.
—Your mom taught me.
—Mom jokes, really? Haven’t heard that shit since I was twelve.
—Just gonna say it was Halloween.
—This was the day after Halloween, actually. Early morning of day after.
—What’s Grim Reaper doing?
—We’re driving along in silence for a while. Everybody’s looking out windows I think. I know I am. Every once in a while I turn around to sneak a look at the girl’s tits. The A/C’s cold as hell, in like the bus, I remember. And well one time the girl straight catches me. Checking on her tits.
—Ha.
—These things let me tell you were man I don’t know, illegal. They were just…
—So you’re like truly a pedophile.
—No law against looking. And fuck you sir.
—The last time you even got laid was when.
—Anyway so she comes over and sits down next to me.
—She what? She doesn’t. No she doesn’t.
—She gets up I see she’s wearing these like little white angel wings with gold trim.
—…
—Give me that look man. She sits right seriously she sits right next to me and says let me see if I, don’t want to mess it up oh yeah okay she says, ‘Theoretically,’ seriously she says ‘Theoretically, like if you were my ex-boyfriend, would you rather come across me’ let me see ‘come across me hanging from the ceiling or, or with a bullet in my head?’ She says, ‘Be honest.’
—Be honest. I don’t believe any of this. Be honest, sure. So you were honest I’m guessing.
—Well I was a wee bit drunk.
—Thought you said you worked the overnight.
—…
—Wow look at that smile. Glad to see that smile clearly confirming the rumors I heard about 693. Ronnie didn’t say shit?
—It was Ronnie’s idea. It was his idea. Since his wife left him he’s been kinda a lot more fun. Depressed as shit, but more down you know. Down to do stuff I mean.
—What’d you say? To the girl on the bus?
—And by the way we still finished counting all the birds all the backstock on the wall and all the specials. And we blocked the whole fuckin store ’cause whoever closed did about the shittiest job you’ll ever see.
—The girl on the bus.
—I said I don’t know hanging I guess. She was leaning in because the bus was loud. Looked right down that shirt. Shit in heaven on that one. Grim Reaper chimes in that the girl’s infuckinsane. Says ‘What’s fuckin wrong with you?’ to her. Like that. What’s like fuckin wrong with you?
—What’d the girl smell like? She smell like anything?
—Look who’s the pervert now.
—For the story fuckface. All I got’s dialogue from you so far. All I got’s you and Ho and Grim Reaper sitting on a bus talking.
—Well that’s because mostly we were just sitting on a bus talking.
—Hardy-har.
—Fuck man, I didn’t ask you to write it down.
—I’m gonna say lilac. No actually I’ll say deodorant. Deodorant and some kinda fruity shampoo. Like she just got out of the shower.
—Say whatever you want.
—What color’s her hair? I’m picturing her looking like Taylor Swift.
—I don’t know brown hair. She was Latina. She had like an accent. Say Eva Mendes. No better yet say Penelope Cruz.
—You remember that one girl that Bugballs…?
—Which one.
—The one I don’t know the one who worked at I think, Off the Hookah. Hang on hand me the computer. I’ll show you her. I think Bugballs is still friends with her on Facebook.
—Didn’t that place move? Off the Hookah I mean? Didn’t they move it?
—This girl now look at her she looks like Taylor Swift. She’s who I’m thinking of for some reason when you’re telling me this story.
—Listen pass the—yeah. Thanks.
—That girl Taylor Swift junior you remember, she, Bugballs’ story about the time he went over while she was taking the shower?
—This show that’s coming on right now man, Catfish is ridiculous. Watch. People get these two guys yeah look, look those guys right there to like investigate the people they’ve been having online relationships with. Investigate as in see if these people are who they say they are which, hint hint they never are.
—Yeah it looks, but you remember that story don’t you? Bugballs goes over there and lets himself in and hides behind the door and when she comes out with just a towel on he, grabs her from behind and rips off her towel and puts a hand over her mouth and says, he says I think ‘Don’t scream don’t even think about fuckin moving.’ And this stupidly stupid girl stayed with him even after that.
—I was about to say. I remember. And these people too man, these people gotta be the stupidest people though. I mean it’s really sad to me this show. It’s like against all, all the evidence they still believe or want to believe anyway that the online people are who they say they are. And most of the time it’s somebody like a friend or something fuckin with them.
—But that’s why I’m thinking Taylor Swift.
—That’s why what? You want any of.
—…
—Good for you. Helps your anxiety.
—You even ever experienced anxiety? Fuck. And fuck that’s…
—Let it out.
—Where are we even? On the story. On your story.
—My story. You want another beer.
—You’re on the bus. Come on.
—Well so, okay, okay let’s see…Grim Reaper calls girl infuckinsane and says what the fuck’s wrong with you, with her I mean, and she says back to him, ‘It’s people like you.’ Then turns to me and says it. ‘It’s people like him, you know?’ she says to me and I’m like, ‘Is this a joke? Is this whole thing a joke? Like what’s even happening here?’
—And so you all were where at this point?
—Jesus I don’t know. Probably right around where 56th intersects 18th. And so the girl could you pass me that, that rolling paper? Thanks. The girl says to me, ‘Say it’s between hanging and slitting my wrists.’ I remember we were definitely at 56th then because the bus—
—Not on the computer fuckface come on! All that shit’ll go into the keyboard—
—Chill. Here hold it for me for a minute then. But so yeah I remember we were definitely at 56th because the bus stopped and out the window there was a fatass crossing guard who was wearing like one of those orange vests, and sipping at her coffee and when the bus stopped she waved hello at us.
—This is a, here you go, this is a weird story.
—Just even wait. She tells me she’s going over to her ex-boyfriend’s place. She says, ‘He said if I ever showed up again he’d kill me with his bare hands.’
—Why?
—That’s what I said. I said ‘Why?’ and she just like shrugged. She said he’d thought she’d been cheating on him. She said though she hadn’t been. The Grim Reaper was getting off the bus during this part, I remember. Without saying shit. Holding onto his six-pack like a football. And finally there was, there were four or five new people who got on. And the girl said, ‘I can see how it might have been construed that way, I can see how he might have thought that, but it was honestly all very unfair to me.’
—Slow down on that shit man. No, no thanks no. Seriously chill.
—What I’m…what I’m trying to do. It’s my day off.
—Thought you were saving for a car.
—…
— What’s, so but how’s the saving coming? I thought you said you were saving for a car.
—I figure if I save a hundred, hundred ten a week plus my dad says he’ll chip in a grand at Christmas, I’ll be good by June. And plus there’s the inventory bonus. Christmas bonus. Dividend check.
—Even with your all’s inventory being fucked up, you all get a bonus?
—Yeah it wasn’t much. About a hundred. One oh seven fifty seven. I put it in the bank the other day.
—This, what is this show?
—I told you already man. It’s where people get these two guys to investigate their relationships they’ve been having completely online.
—So that fatass bitch was lying to that poor fucker, saying she looked like that?
—I’ve seen this one. They really for real get together at the end.
—Oh man don’t do it you’re a young man. And oh I wanted to say remember Stephanie?
—Stephanie the girl that like constantly flaked on you Stephanie?
—She Facebook messaged me couple days ago.
—Saying what?
—Basically saying sorry and that she wants to get back together. She said sorry like three times in the message. Gave me some excuse about how she accidentally archived my messages and didn’t see them till that day, the day she messaged me.
—Ha. Bullshit basically.
—Bullshit basically yeah. I just don’t know why she would even message me though. It’s been more than five months.
—Probably she just broke up with somebody and’s looking for a quick rebound fuck and you’re the chosen one.
—Could be. I don’t know.
—Don’t do that man. She’ll fuck you over again believe me. You didn’t respond to her yet did you? I say just fuck her and walk away. Seriously. You made that mistake how many times with her?
—Believe me I know. Believe me I know. I’m starting to think she’s not even real. That I’m being messed with like the people on this show.
—You didn’t respond to her yet did—
—Oh and by the way Rand and Lewis are officially Eskimo brothers.
—Who.
—Michelle. Few nights ago.
—That girl, man. Sure you don’t want…?
—I say finish the thing about the girl on the bus. She’s going over to her ex-boyfriend’s to do what exactly?
—That I don’t know. I think she wanted me to say to her ‘Don’t go over, don’t kill yourself’ or something. She said she wasn’t pregnant or anything. I just said, I said, ‘Listen don’t kill yourself. There’s better ways to get your boyfriend’s attention.’
—And what’d she say?
—She patted my arm and said ‘Ex-boyfriend.’ Like that.
—Oh shit.
—She was quiet for a little while after that. The bus was on Commercial by then. There wasn’t really any traffic. I was real tired by then and I remember I was thinking about pretty much all the shit that had gone wrong or that I fucked up and doing like a What If thing with it. Like trying to figure out where I’d be if I hadn’t fucked up so much. And then I thought about this one thing. When I was going into work around ten the night before, there was a dead cat in the bushes on the side of the building. Did I say that already?
—I don’t remember any mention of dead cat. No.
—Yeah so there was a dead cat. All stretched out and its eyes bugging and its mouth wide open. Looked like the thing had been choked or something by some crazy homeless motherfucker. Orange cat like what’s that comic that famous, they made a movie—
—Garfield.
—Garfield yeah so the thing really like, it really like got to me for some reason. I took it by the tail and tossed it in the dumpster right there. And so the reason I’m mentioning it is because on the bus I was feeling sorta guilty about it. Like was it okay to, you know. So I turned and said to the girl ‘Listen hey, you think throwing a dead cat in a dumpster is a bad thing, or should it be buried.’
—She said what to that.
—Nothing. She was crying. She was like almost sobbing actually. Let me see what you.
—Why are you so—
—Come on let’s see ‘Thinking about all the ways I’d let myself down…from there to my recent plans for redemption?…discovered a dead cat in a shrub already transformed through rigor mortis…nearly broken down staring at it…’ You make me sound like a huge pussy man.
—Is it not accurate?
—You should say like some Penthouse shit. Say she starting rubbing on me. Took my hand and put it on her tit. Say she licked my face and tried to unzip me—
—None of that sounds all that profound. None of that sounds all that literary.
—Mister Writer over here. Some Great Gatsby shit. Next like what’s-his-face dude that shot his head off with a shotgun.
—Hemingway but seriously what’d you say to her? Or did you not say anything?
—Well I said ‘Look bitch.’ No I’m just kidding. I just put my arm around her and said ‘It’s okay it’s okay it’s okay,’ and she’s crying and apologizing. And I was starting to feel like I don’t know. I was still pretty drunk okay. I started to just sorta wish we’d swerve into oncoming traffic and collide with a semi or something.
—You what?
—…
—The fuck man. Why?
—Because—fuck just because. Because I don’t know. Because I felt like I was doing something right for once. Because I had this thought that I’d never be a better person than I was right there and then. I felt like, I felt like I don’t know this is hard to explain. I felt like heroic. Jesus Christ man please just write that I fucked her. Second thought don’t write anything. Let me, let me see that—
—Get out of here. Chill out man. Relax okay. Tell you what no one else’ll see this. This is just me and you talking now. You really want to see it here. Take it seriously. But at least finish your story.
—…
—Come on.
—She says ‘I just don’t know what to do.’ She’s telling me she loves him. Like that. ‘I love him. I just love him so much.’ And I just, all I could say was ‘I know I know.’ I said ‘Love.’ I couldn’t think of anything else to say.
—That’s it?
—No well she pulled out a pill bottle and held it so I could see and asked me if I’d buy them off her. She said she was gonna use them to, you know. She was gonna swallow them down right before she knocked on her ex’s door. I said no thanks. I mean we were on the bus with people watching. But she kept telling me she’d give them to me for half what she paid. I told her I only had ten and she said okay. I was her angel, she told me. She said I was saving her life.
______
Photo credit: sciencesque / Foter / CC BY-NC-SA