Until recently I didn’t know much about the Internet.  I mainly used it to order inexpensive diabetes supplies (I am deliberately giving myself diabetes because of the exceptional health insurance benefits diabetic people get from government-sponsored health-care plans in the United States).  You can find fantastic deals on the Internet if you are shrewd like I am.  You probably aren’t.  Come to think of it, the Internet may not be for you.  I used to find all of my deals in magazines at the barber shop.  Now that my barber has died (long story for next time), I don’t really read magazines anymore.  That’s why the Internet is so useful now.  While I was still using the computer superficially for silly things like word processing and drawing pictures in Paint, I lived in ignorance of the large, magical spiderweb of wires, or whatever the Internet is.  In the few weeks I have used the Internet, and associated popular “web page sites,” I have picked up a few tips that I want to share with you, fellow frightened inductees, so that you will be able to function online as well as I have learned to.  As it is the political season (note:  it is always the political season), I thought I would keep my important suggestions focused there.Benefit from my knowledge.  It is vastly superior to your own.Arguing about politics on Facebook:

1.)  Each time someone posts or comments about politics in their Facebook, or in a friend’s Facebook, you must assume that everything that can possibly be said about their personal beliefs, history, political persuasions, socioeconomic status, internal thought process workings, and organization/party affiliation has, in fact, been said in that 420 character maximum text box.  IMMEDIATELY challenge their beliefs for all the fallacies you see, and for the parts that they are concealing from you.  It is clear that they are ashamed of some of their beliefs.  Otherwise, they would have explained them in their post.  Call them out for their shame.  You know what their shame is.  Tell them.  Humiliate them.  Maybe they should have explained better, but it is far too late for that now.  If a political belief system cannot be summed up in 420 characters, it is not worth believing or adhering to.

2.)  If someone expresses an opinion that is different than yours, IT IS WRONG.  There can be no question about it.  Wrong.  Period.  Moreover, if someone says something you disagree with, you must TELL THEM they are wrong, and also tell them why in very specific, vaguely insulting terms.  “Only fools believe things like that,” you might say.  “Ignorant fools who listen to smooth jazz, and don’t change the oil in their car!  Fools and cretins!”  Confront them.  Get up in their “shit.”  You owe them that.  Anyway, despite what you may have heard, it is not enough to simply be right.  No sir, just being right went out with the days of Disco and Dippity-do (days I was sad to see go given the money I was making in knock-off hair gels).  No, being right is simply not enough.  You must also BE SEEN being right.  You must dominate the Wrongies.  You should explain to them why your experience in politics is more valid than theirs (i.e. “I know what is good for businesses because I am the CEO of a company that employs myself and my dog, Biscuits,” or “I have been a Lieutenant Colonel in the US Army in a popular video game,” or “I have watched a documentary about that political issue 300 times, and have also heard the commentary track,” or even, “I think you are a motherfucker”).  Stomp on their information with DIFFERENT information.  Lay down that trump card.  Spike it like a logic grenade.  Show them who the boss is.  There is no need to cite the source of this information, of course, or research it, or even quote it in context.  Of course, if you decide to cite your sources (pussy), it is better if your information can come from a site like “politicalheroinaddict.com” or “polit27741892.geocities.com/breadwhiteandblue.html” or “chuckschickenwarehouse.biz/blog.”  If the site has animated gifs, you have struck political reputability gold.

3.)  IT IS A DIRECT ATTACK AGAINST YOU, PERSONALLY when someone posts commentary denouncing or mocking the policies of an elected official you support.  You know fully well that any person who posts such bile is clearly your enemy in the coming electoral season, and must be stopped now before they can spread their virulent slander beyond their 200 Facebook friends.  Do not, under any circumstances, let their wrong-thoughtedness infect you.  It does not matter that you went to high school with this person, played in the little league with them, or briefly dated them in college.  You must harpoon them of their delusion like Ahab and his blubbery white bastard.  It does not matter that public figures come under criticism daily from within and without of their own affiliated organizations.  The critical discourse that is a founding principle of the democratic process matters not.  Someone making an offhanded slight against a politician you support is inexcusable.  Your politicians are like your friends and heroes rolled into one convenient, well-dressed package, and we both know that there is a reasonable chance that this politician or public figure might soon drop by YOUR house for dinner.  How would you look then, serving up the soup, if it was discovered that you knowingly let Internet people get away with expressing comedic, non-threatening denunciations?  You’d look bad is how you’d look.  Shitty bad.  And your politician friend would break down into shame-sobbing, and would not touch your homemade cheesecake.  They would never see your carefully clipped collection of political comics that you saved in case you ever got a chance to meet them.  They’d never see the ones you drew where you go fishing together and talk about your dad’s distant personality.

4.)  When it comes to arguing on politics on Facebook, NEVER BACK DOWN, and NEVER COMPROMISE.  I don’t know if I have been clear here, so let me make this matter crystal:  This shit is a big deal.  Any Facebook post that even vaguely mentions politics is the site of a battle for the very future of the human civilization.  You must cling like an enraged dog to your original notions, knee-jerk or otherwise.  You must not compromise.  You must not cede any territory.  You must not grant that someone makes a good point, especially if they actually DO make a good point (DANGER ZONE).  Stomp your feet, plug your ears, and if all else fails, Unfriend is your friend.  Your political party will thank you, and you will be a legend in the annals of arguing about shit online.  Do you know anyone who has a marble bust of themselves?  Get ready for that, buddy boy/girl, because the sculptor has been hired, they have your Facebook user pic, and they are selecting a fine slab of rock from which to artistically extract your essence this very minute.  You are a hero, and moreover, you’re my hero.  America thanks you.

Now get in there and give them hell!