Tagged: write this not that

The New and Improved Freytag Pyramids

The New and Improved Freytag Pyramids

posted on August 10th, 2011 by Gene Albamonte

Chances are, if you’re a writer, then you’re familiar with the Freytag Pyramid regarding plot structure. Gustav Freytag, who loved pyramids and detested all other polyhedra (particularly anything in the dodecahedron family, which he called the “most inconsiderate of polyhedra”), said that plot structure consists of six parts. However, his wife inadvertently threw the sixth part away as she was going through the pile of mail that had been accruing on the kitchen counter. Freytag couldn’t for the life of him remember the sixth part, but he knew whatever it was rhymed with rutabaga. In the end, he gave up trying to remember and just made it the five we know today: exposition, rising action (or conflict), climax, falling action, and denouement (or, for the Francophobe, resolution).

Freytag's Pyramid, which he probably could have just called "Freytag's Triangle."

The Freytag Pyramid has been taught in pretty much every graduate-level creative writing program and traffic school for years and years. However, since Freytag’s passing, the pyramid has evolved, as pyramids are wont to do. In fact, there isn’t just one pyramid anymore—there are many. After all, do we really expect every genre and/or author to fit into one single pyramid? Of course not. Polyhedra are amazing, but they’re not that amazing.

Below, you’ll find five of the 2,358 new pyramids. You’ll agree: this is how Freytag would’ve wanted it.

Plot structure for erotica:

Ex-“position”
“Rising” action
Climax
Climax
Climax
Climax
“Falling” action

…………..

Plot structure for a Hemingway story:

Manly exposition
Rising action (Drinking, bullfights, etc.)
Climax
Falling action
Maybe more rising action (boxing, etc.)
Falling action
Resolution

*Note: this chart is shaped less like a pyramid and more like an elephant.

…………..

Plot structure for a Harry Potter novel:

Expecto Expositionum!
Risinium Activitus!
Climacticus!
Fallinium Activitus!
Resolution Riddikulus!

…………..

Plot structure for a Charles Dickens story:

Great Expositions
It was the rising action, it was the falling action
It was the climax, it was the cli-minimum
It was the falling action, it was the rising action
Hard Times

…………..

Plot structure for a Tom Clancy story:

Exposi—EXPLOSION, SIRENS!
Rising action!
More action, followed by action! And plot!
Climax (starring Harrison Ford)
National Anthem

Second-Grade Poetry Review

Second-Grade Poetry Review

posted on April 29th, 2011 by Gene Albamonte

I recently came across some poetry written by a class of second-graders. You’ll find a handful of the poems below. But, more important, you’ll find my feedback on each poem. You’ll agree: these little kids are just plain adorable, but it stops there. Poets they are not. You should’ve seen their faces when I told them that!

Anyway, enjoy, and happy National Poetry Month!

……………………

What’s Inside The Briefcase?

What’s inside the briefcase?

Could it be a mouse?

What’s inside the briefcase?

Could it be a house?

What’s inside the briefcase?

Could it be a box?

What’s inside the briefcase?

Could it be a fox?

What’s inside the briefcase?

Guess we’ll never know.

What’s inside the briefcase?

Could it be my toe?

This poem is cute on so many levels. Unfortunately, all of the levels are named ‘Hack.’

First of all, what’s going on in this poem? That’s a good question. But a better question might be, What’s not going on in this poem? And still even better would be to ignore this poem altogether.

Let’s look at the line “What’s inside the briefcase?” Obviously, this question is rhetorical. It’s impossible for the reader to actually guess what’s inside the briefcase. The author himself can’t even figure it out. He keeps asking the question, but he’s getting nowhere. Do you want to go nowhere? No, of course you don’t. I think it’s clear that the most telling line is “Guess we’ll never know.” It’s the only line in the poem that doesn’t have a question mark, perhaps indicating the author lacks self-esteem. ( Read more )

Various Interpretations Of The Rejection Letter

Various Interpretations Of The Rejection Letter

posted on February 25th, 2011 by Gene Albamonte

Dear _________:

Thank you for sending “Snake Bite” to ________ Review. We regret that we are unable to accept it for publication at this time, a later time, and every time thereafter. In fact, we would never publish something like this and, if we were you, we’d reconsider trying to become a writer. Better yet, based on the 12-page manuscript you sent, we’d recommend staying away from anything that involves the alphabet.

Best of luck placing it elsewhere, because that’s what it will take.

Sincerely,

The Editors

……….

Dear _________:

We have carefully considered your submission, “Snake Bite”—a story exploring the romantic relationship between a man and a woman—and we were wondering how much research you put into the story, as there is no way someone of the opposite sex would find a writer with such little talent like yourself attractive.

Sincerely,

The Editors

……….

Dear Loser:

Rejection pathetic hack, “Snake Bite,” lack of _______ talent. Gag reflex. Quit? Should.

Seriously,

Every Editor

……….

Dear _________:

We have carefully considered your submission, “Snake Bite,” and regret that we aren’t your mother’s oviduct, as, if we were, we would have rejected the sperm that made you in an effort to help prevent editors of other magazines from wasting their time reading “Snake Bite.”

Sincerely,

The Editors

……….

Dear _________:

Thank you for sending “Snake Bite” to ________ Review. We regret that we are unable to accept it for publication at this time due to our editor purposely getting bit by an actual snake so that the physical pain from the deadly viper replaced the mental pain she received while reading your work.

Sincerely,

Assistant Fiction Editor

……….

WHAT YOU SHOULD REALLY TAKE AWAY FROM THE REJECTION LETTER:

Dear _________:

Keep writing. Know that people who actually do become published authors are the ones who keep working at their craft. And, of course, who keep submitting. It’s all about continual improvement and tenacity.

Sincerely,

The Editors

Example Of A Poorly Written Cover Letter

Example Of A Poorly Written Cover Letter

posted on December 5th, 2010 by Gene Albamonte

Dear Fiction Editor,

Hello!

Hi!

Please consider the enclosed story, “Snake Bite,” for publication in a future issue of ______ Review! Allow me to tell you a little bit about myself: I’m 5’4, have blue eyes, and guys say I resemble Jessica Simpson.

I’m joking! That’s not at all what I meant when I said ‘Let me tell you a little bit about myself.’ Silly goose! What I meant was, let me tell you who I am as a writer. And, truth be told, I look nothing like Jessica Simpson, although my friends say I look like the hypothetical offspring of Tom Hanks, Sigourney Weaver and a jar of expired mayonnaise. My friends are so funny!

Here’s what I really want to tell you about myself: I graduated from the University of _________ with an MFA in Creative Writing degree. The lessons learned there were invaluable and the workshops were as enlightening as they were reason enough for my psychiatrist/mentor/occasional lover to recommend a ‘script for Zoloft—a prescription made affordable thanks to my Warren S. Hadley Scholarship.

And how exhilarating it was, receiving my diploma! My parents never thought they’d see the day I graduated with a Master’s degree, which I suppose was a correct prediction, considering how, a few months before I defended my thesis, they died (helicopter/piano mishap). Some might say they saw me graduate from heaven or something like that, but that’s not for me. I don’t believe in God. My cousin play pokies games Joel’s a real Jesus freak and he asked me one day, “When did you lose your faith?” and I told him, “I don’t know, one minute I had it in my pocket and the next minute it was gone.” Then he called me a fucking skank-whore. I asked him if he accepted the body of Christ with that mouth. We haven’t really spoken since.

I should mention my publishing credits, of which I have none. I’ve been told that this is okay, to not have any publishing credits. We’ll see about that, won’t we?

Anyway, it’s about time I wrap this thing up. I know cover letters aren’t supposed to be more than one page, but I already blew that, didn’t I? Oh well, it’s like what father said to mother and me the day after he told his boss to suck it: “You can’t turn back the clock!” Mother corrected him the day he said that, explaining how, actually, it was the end of Daylight Savings Time and you could turn back the clocks. That’s when father cried and stabbed himself in the leg with a pen.

Please note I’ve submitted the enclosed story to other publications for their review.

Every night I cry myself to sleep.

Whoops. Sorry about that. It just came out. What I meant to say was, Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

_________ __________