Dear _________:

Thank you for sending “Snake Bite” to ________ Review. We regret that we are unable to accept it for publication at this time, a later time, and every time thereafter. In fact, we would never publish something like this and, if we were you, we’d reconsider trying to become a writer. Better yet, based on the 12-page manuscript you sent, we’d recommend staying away from anything that involves the alphabet.

Best of luck placing it elsewhere, because that’s what it will take.

Sincerely,

The Editors

……….

Dear _________:

We have carefully considered your submission, “Snake Bite”—a story exploring the romantic relationship between a man and a woman—and we were wondering how much research you put into the story, as there is no way someone of the opposite sex would find a writer with such little talent like yourself attractive.

Sincerely,

The Editors

……….

Dear Loser:

Rejection pathetic hack, “Snake Bite,” lack of _______ talent. Gag reflex. Quit? Should.

Seriously,

Every Editor

……….

Dear _________:

We have carefully considered your submission, “Snake Bite,” and regret that we aren’t your mother’s oviduct, as, if we were, we would have rejected the sperm that made you in an effort to help prevent editors of other magazines from wasting their time reading “Snake Bite.”

Sincerely,

The Editors

……….

Dear _________:

Thank you for sending “Snake Bite” to ________ Review. We regret that we are unable to accept it for publication at this time due to our editor purposely getting bit by an actual snake so that the physical pain from the deadly viper replaced the mental pain she received while reading your work.

Sincerely,

Assistant Fiction Editor

……….

WHAT YOU SHOULD REALLY TAKE AWAY FROM THE REJECTION LETTER:

Dear _________:

Keep writing. Know that people who actually do become published authors are the ones who keep working at their craft. And, of course, who keep submitting. It’s all about continual improvement and tenacity.

Sincerely,

The Editors