Gene Albamonte

Gene Albamonte

Gene Albamonte graduated with an MFA in Creative Writing from the University of Central Florida, where he studied under Jeanne Leiby—current editor of The Southern Review. Also, he was one of thirty writers accepted to the 2010 Sirenland Writers Conference, sponsored by One Story magazine. Thus far, his work has appeared in Clapboard House, The Menda City Review, and Fragmentation + other stories. One of his stories was a finalist in Glimmer Train's January 2008 Family Matters competition. Another one of his stories earned an Honorable Mention position in Glimmer Train’s April 2008 Family Matters competition.

Write This, Not That discusses the craft of writing—with a humorous slant—through personal life stories, examples of what to do and what not to do, and other methods proven to increase your writing success rate by 0.32%.

Blog posts by Gene

The New and Improved Freytag Pyramids

The New and Improved Freytag Pyramids

posted on August 10th, 2011 by

Chances are, if you’re a writer, then you’re familiar with the Freytag Pyramid regarding plot structure. Gustav Freytag, who loved pyramids and detested all other polyhedra (particularly anything in the dodecahedron family, which he called the “most inconsiderate of polyhedra”), said that plot structure consists of six parts. However, his wife inadvertently threw the sixth part away as she was going through the pile of mail that had been accruing on the kitchen counter. Freytag couldn’t for the life of him remember the sixth part, but he knew whatever it was rhymed with rutabaga. In the end, he gave up trying to remember and just made it the five we know today: exposition, rising action (or conflict), climax, falling action, and denouement (or, for the Francophobe, resolution).

Freytag's Pyramid, which he probably could have just called "Freytag's Triangle."

The Freytag Pyramid has been taught in pretty much every graduate-level creative writing program and traffic school for years and years. However, since Freytag’s passing, the pyramid has evolved, as pyramids are wont to do. In fact, there isn’t just one pyramid anymore—there are many. After all, do we really expect every genre and/or author to fit into one single pyramid? Of course not. Polyhedra are amazing, but they’re not that amazing.

Below, you’ll find five of the 2,358 new pyramids. You’ll agree: this is how Freytag would’ve wanted it.

Plot structure for erotica:

Ex-“position”
“Rising” action
Climax
Climax
Climax
Climax
“Falling” action

…………..

Plot structure for a Hemingway story:

Manly exposition
Rising action (Drinking, bullfights, etc.)
Climax
Falling action
Maybe more rising action (boxing, etc.)
Falling action
Resolution

*Note: this chart is shaped less like a pyramid and more like an elephant.

…………..

Plot structure for a Harry Potter novel:

Expecto Expositionum!
Risinium Activitus!
Climacticus!
Fallinium Activitus!
Resolution Riddikulus!

…………..

Plot structure for a Charles Dickens story:

Great Expositions
It was the rising action, it was the falling action
It was the climax, it was the cli-minimum
It was the falling action, it was the rising action
Hard Times

…………..

Plot structure for a Tom Clancy story:

Exposi—EXPLOSION, SIRENS!
Rising action!
More action, followed by action! And plot!
Climax (starring Harrison Ford)
National Anthem

Second-Grade Poetry Review

Second-Grade Poetry Review

posted on April 29th, 2011 by

I recently came across some poetry written by a class of second-graders. You’ll find a handful of the poems below. But, more important, you’ll find my feedback on each poem. You’ll agree: these little kids are just plain adorable, but it stops there. Poets they are not. You should’ve seen their faces when I told them that!

Anyway, enjoy, and happy National Poetry Month!

……………………

What’s Inside The Briefcase?

What’s inside the briefcase?

Could it be a mouse?

What’s inside the briefcase?

Could it be a house?

What’s inside the briefcase?

Could it be a box?

What’s inside the briefcase?

Could it be a fox?

What’s inside the briefcase?

Guess we’ll never know.

What’s inside the briefcase?

Could it be my toe?

This poem is cute on so many levels. Unfortunately, all of the levels are named ‘Hack.’

First of all, what’s going on in this poem? That’s a good question. But a better question might be, What’s not going on in this poem? And still even better would be to ignore this poem altogether.

Let’s look at the line “What’s inside the briefcase?” Obviously, this question is rhetorical. It’s impossible for the reader to actually guess what’s inside the briefcase. The author himself can’t even figure it out. He keeps asking the question, but he’s getting nowhere. Do you want to go nowhere? No, of course you don’t. I think it’s clear that the most telling line is “Guess we’ll never know.” It’s the only line in the poem that doesn’t have a question mark, perhaps indicating the author lacks self-esteem. READ MORE

Dissecting Our Literary Community

Dissecting Our Literary Community

posted on March 14th, 2011 by

Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about the word community as well as how important it is for a writer to be part of a literary community. I wanted to break down the word community and further explore its depths. I mean really get in there. I didn’t want to just touch its underbelly, but also slice it open and see what’s inside. Not in a way that would permanently kill the word, but rather just temporarily kill it, like how my biology teacher just temporarily killed the frogs we dissected in high school. After school, she reanimated them and sent them back into the wild. I never actually saw the reanimation, but my teacher assured me it took place, which was quite a relief, as I was very concerned about the frogs.

So, anyway, I wanted to do the same with the word ‘community.’

Let’s start with the root of the word: comm. Not much there, really. But now let’s remove one of the m’s. We now have ‘com,’ which, as you know, is a suffix for the World Wide Web, one of the largest communities in the nation. Right out of the gate, the word ‘community’ embraces hundreds—perhaps even thousands—of people. Indeed, the Internet has helped me stay in touch with writers I met during my time in the MFA program and at writers conferences, with the help of Twitter, Ancestry.com, and Facebook.

You really have to hand it to the person who coined the word ‘community.’ It’s as if the person pored over the entire alphabet to find the perfect letters to represent the feeling the word evokes. I could almost imagine him sitting there, in a candlelit room, sweat running down his face in tiny streams, his hands quivering, a gun pointed directly at his head. Simply amazing.

Now let’s take the second part of the word. It’s a little trickier, but once you see it, you’ll be like, “How did I not see it?” I’m, of course talking about the letters u and n. The first letter is a homophone for the word ‘you,’ right? But—and here’s where you’ll really slap yourself in the forehead—when you add the n to it, you get ‘un,’ which is French for ‘one’. So you have ‘you’ and ‘one.’ In other words, ‘you’ are ‘one’ of many in a community.

Now, how is that forehead feeling? Yeah, thought so.

When I first started dissecting the word ‘community,’ I did a lot of research and discovered the origins of the word. Apparently, it comes from the Middle English word comunete, which, in turn, comes from the Anglo-French communitĂ©. It was that last point that stunned me. Anglo-French. Could it be a coincidence that, last year, I visited Paris right before I went to Positano, Italy, where I attended the Sirenland Writers Conference—a conference that was, among other things, a literary community? Possibly, but that’s quite the coincidence. I started feeling paranoid, as if the person who coined the word knew me; indeed, as if he were manipulating my every move like how a Muppateer manipulates a Muppet. Had he been reanimated after death as those frogs in my biology class had been only to steer my life in certain directions? Stranger things have happened.

The third part of the word—i—is pretty obvious. All you have to do, really, is capitalize the letter and there you go. I am part of the community. Go ahead, you say it. Louder. Louder. I can’t hear you. Louder. Louder.

Never mind. You must be too far away. I’ll just have to trust that you said it.

So you’re probably wondering about that last part of the word. You’re probably saying, “Gene, what does ‘ty’ mean?” Well, think about it: there is more than just one community in the world, right? And what do we do when we have more than one of something? That’s right: drop the ‘y’ and add ies. Now you have ‘ties’: we are all tied to our community. We all have ties. I know, I know: duh.

Look, the point is, a writer should find the literary community in his or her own town and be a part of it. The literary community where I’m currently at—Orlando—is really starting to grow thanks, in part, to this publication: Burrow Press, which, when you break down those words, you get the anagram “Orbs We Purrs.”

That’s right: Orbs We Purrs.

Of course, the meaning of that is another story. Another story for another time.

Various Interpretations Of The Rejection Letter

Various Interpretations Of The Rejection Letter

posted on February 25th, 2011 by

Dear _________:

Thank you for sending “Snake Bite” to ________ Review. We regret that we are unable to accept it for publication at this time, a later time, and every time thereafter. In fact, we would never publish something like this and, if we were you, we’d reconsider trying to become a writer. Better yet, based on the 12-page manuscript you sent, we’d recommend staying away from anything that involves the alphabet.

Best of luck placing it elsewhere, because that’s what it will take.

Sincerely,

The Editors




.

Dear _________:

We have carefully considered your submission, “Snake Bite”—a story exploring the romantic relationship between a man and a woman—and we were wondering how much research you put into the story, as there is no way someone of the opposite sex would find a writer with such little talent like yourself attractive.

Sincerely,

The Editors




.

Dear Loser:

Rejection pathetic hack, “Snake Bite,” lack of _______ talent. Gag reflex. Quit? Should.

Seriously,

Every Editor




.

Dear _________:

We have carefully considered your submission, “Snake Bite,” and regret that we aren’t your mother’s oviduct, as, if we were, we would have rejected the sperm that made you in an effort to help prevent editors of other magazines from wasting their time reading “Snake Bite.”

Sincerely,

The Editors




.

Dear _________:

Thank you for sending “Snake Bite” to ________ Review. We regret that we are unable to accept it for publication at this time due to our editor purposely getting bit by an actual snake so that the physical pain from the deadly viper replaced the mental pain she received while reading your work.

Sincerely,

Assistant Fiction Editor




.

WHAT YOU SHOULD REALLY TAKE AWAY FROM THE REJECTION LETTER:

Dear _________:

Keep writing. Know that people who actually do become published authors are the ones who keep working at their craft. And, of course, who keep submitting. It’s all about continual improvement and tenacity.

Sincerely,

The Editors

What an Italian Could Learn at the Sirenland Writers Conference: Home of Large, Expensive Vases

What an Italian Could Learn at the Sirenland Writers Conference: Home of Large, Expensive Vases

posted on January 12th, 2011 by

I learned a lot at the Sirenland Writers Conference in Positano, Italy, last year, but perhaps the most important thing I didn’t learn until it was too late was that you shouldn’t let an Italian carry a conversation next to a very large, expensive vase.

Yes, the brilliant Dani Shapiro shared her wisdom, which included things like, “When writing an initial draft of a story, don’t be afraid to open new doors and let new characters and events in, because they could enrich your story, and you can always edit them out later.” But still, if she had said, “Gene, you’re Italian, so don’t stand next to a large, expensive vase while speaking,” then she would have saved me from doing something I’m still not comfortable writing about.

I also remember the great words of Hannah Tinti—editor of One Story—great words like (and I’m paraphrasing), “When writing a cover letter, be sure to mention any writers conferences you’ve attended, as this will help support the fact that you are serious about your craft. If you met that journal’s editor before, it couldn’t hurt to succinctly put that in there, too.” Great words, indeed, Hannah. But even greater words would have been (and I’m not paraphrasing), “Gene, I noticed you throw your hands around a lot when you talk—probably because you’re Italian—and there’s a chance that, at one of the cocktail hours coming up, you’ll be talking to the charming, wonderful Karen Shepard and, while doing so, your hand just might hit a large, expensive vase, knocking it down and sending it crashing to the floor, where it will shatter.” READ MORE

Example Of A Poorly Written Cover Letter

Example Of A Poorly Written Cover Letter

posted on December 5th, 2010 by

Dear Fiction Editor,

Hello!

Hi!

Please consider the enclosed story, “Snake Bite,” for publication in a future issue of ______ Review! Allow me to tell you a little bit about myself: I’m 5’4, have blue eyes, and guys say I resemble Jessica Simpson.

I’m joking! That’s not at all what I meant when I said ‘Let me tell you a little bit about myself.’ Silly goose! What I meant was, let me tell you who I am as a writer. And, truth be told, I look nothing like Jessica Simpson, although my friends say I look like the hypothetical offspring of Tom Hanks, Sigourney Weaver and a jar of expired mayonnaise. My friends are so funny!

Here’s what I really want to tell you about myself: I graduated from the University of _________ with an MFA in Creative Writing degree. The lessons learned there were invaluable and the workshops were as enlightening as they were reason enough for my psychiatrist/mentor/occasional lover to recommend a ‘script for Zoloft—a prescription made affordable thanks to my Warren S. Hadley Scholarship.

And how exhilarating it was, receiving my diploma! My parents never thought they’d see the day I graduated with a Master’s degree, which I suppose was a correct prediction, considering how, a few months before I defended my thesis, they died (helicopter/piano mishap). Some might say they saw me graduate from heaven or something like that, but that’s not for me. I don’t believe in God. My cousin Joel’s a real Jesus freak and he asked me one day, “When did you lose your faith?” and I told him, “I don’t know, one minute I had it in my pocket and the next minute it was gone.” Then he called me a fucking skank-whore. I asked him if he accepted the body of Christ with that mouth. We haven’t really spoken since.

I should mention my publishing credits, of which I have none. I’ve been told that this is okay, to not have any publishing credits. We’ll see about that, won’t we?

Anyway, it’s about time I wrap this thing up. I know cover letters aren’t supposed to be more than one page, but I already blew that, didn’t I? Oh well, it’s like what father said to mother and me the day after he told his boss to suck it: “You can’t turn back the clock!” Mother corrected him the day he said that, explaining how, actually, it was the end of Daylight Savings Time and you could turn back the clocks. That’s when father cried and stabbed himself in the leg with a pen.

Please note I’ve submitted the enclosed story to other publications for their review.

Every night I cry myself to sleep.

Whoops. Sorry about that. It just came out. What I meant to say was, Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

_________ __________